I like to say that my healing journey started years ago when I decided to clean up my diet and put all my energy into my wellbeing and learning about health, but the past few months for me have been the most transformational healing journey I’ve had yet (not to brag or anything). While working on chronic symptoms and hormonal imbalances, I’ve learned how much emotional and energetic work needed to be done to heal my body–a better diet and consistent exercise routine will certainly help, but that’s working on your future self, not healing the past self. Through researching work by Alisa Vitti and Dr. Christine Northrup, I started realizing that perhaps not being tapped into my feminine energy might play a part in my symptoms. I then realized that most of us are out of whack with our feminine energy (regardless of gender): we live in a world dominated by the masculine go-getter nature that teaches us to be aggressive and assertive or else we’ll fall behind. Being out of balance with your energies can cause many symptoms from lack of motivation and clarity to PCOS and constipation. As Alisa Vitti said, “For women, an over-reliance on masculine energy is what leads to hormonal breakdown in the first place.” Read on for how I’m practicing tapping into your feminine energy.

First, a brief disclosure:

Masculine and feminine energies have nothing to do with sex or gender. They are simply two opposite energies, and we all have both masculine and feminine energies within us. For most people, the ideal is a balance of the energies, while others may feel more in their power more dominantly in one energy over the other. But it’s important to know I am not talking about being more “womanly,” or that men cannot also tap into their femininity (in fact, they should!). I am talking about energies that have been studied for thousands of years in medical practices like Ayurveda and philosophies like Taoism (yin and yang) and Tantra (Shiva and Shakti). You’ll see in the qualities below that there is no good and bad energy–in fact, each one of us need a balance of both as power sources to shape our lives.

Masculine Energy:

Passionately going after what you want
Goal setting
Individuality and relying on yourself
Relating with others through problem solving
Pausing or suppressing emotions or physical health to accomplish goals
Signs of too much masculine energy: Feeling disconnected from emotions or inability to cry, self-worth related to external sources (material success, other people’s opinions, praise, etc.), surface level conversations with others (or discomfort with talking about emotions), feeling lonely, problems with nurturing or intimacy (including during sex)

Feminine Energy:

Attracting what you want to you
Not being concerned with a time line (allowing things to develop at a natural pace)
Appreciating the journey over the end result
Multitasking on many aspects of your life simultaneously (working toward the big picture)
Building community and connection
Using emotions as a means for change and transformation
Listening and nurturing others
Signs of too much feminine energy: Feeling overly responsible for the wellbeing of others, unmotivated to set new goals or make changes, prioritizes what others want over what you want, codependency, or victimhood

FYI, since we all have a varying degree of both energies within us, you can see both feminine and masculine energy traits, as well as signs of too much of both–it is different in our physical bodies, mental bodies, relationships, work lives, etc.

Get feminine–How to tap into your feminine energy

Identify unconscious beliefs

No, masculine and feminine energies do not mean female and male genders. However, a lot of my own suppression of feminine energy did have to do with my unconscious beliefs about being a woman. I’ve had to do a lot of reprogramming: Periods are beautiful and natural, not gross and shameful; physical strength and assertiveness might be powerful , but so is empathy and softness; I do not need to work harder to prove my worth, I am born with worth; we are not crazy or overly emotional on our periods–menstruation gives us insight and clarity into our truth; and pleasure is a power that I have at my disposal, not a gift I give to someone else or save until it’s “right.” You likely don’t even know where you’ve been suppressing your feminine energy out of cultural norms, so the more you look into your unconscious beliefs, the more you know where you really need to shift.

2. Change your daily routine

Most of us are in our masculine energy all day long: we review our goals for the day and plan out a schedule to accomplish them, we try to stick to a schedule, and we are always rushing to the next thing. Maybe you even push yourself to do a workout or to finish a project when you don’t feel like it, and forget to eat or eat whatever is easiest or most convenient. Perhaps the time you do dedicate to your health has to do with goals (hitting 10,000 steps in a day, drinking 8 glasses of water, lifting 10lbs more). When we’re with friends, many of us internalize problems (either because we’re worried of judgment or rely on our own judgment), and when you see your significant other at the end of the day, you talk about what you got done or what went wrong and then you binge TV. You clean up the kitchen, make a to-do list for the next day, and put away the laundry before turning off the lights. This is all masculine energy. (IKR, no wonder we’re all imbalanced!). See where you can live your daily routine in your feminine energy: Have a slow morning routine where you check in with how you’re feeling and emotionally connect with people you love. Through work, allow time to remember the big picture, and prioritize based on what has most value and excitement for you. Move your body based on how you’re feeling, and allow time to prepare nourishing, healthy food that you’re actually craving. Open up to your friends and be supportive of others, and check in with your significant other about their feelings before a luxurious, gentle nighttime routine.

3. Work with your cycle, not against it

OK what I’ve been doing for 10+ years (AKA using birth control to suppress my period, avoiding it whenever I can, suffering through and complaining, etc.) is literally pushing away my femininity. The truth is that our cycles are freaking powerful–we are our most in tune and attractive when we’re bleeding. Learn to trust your body, no matter what it means–your cravings, sex drive, symptoms are all signs from the body to help you, not hurt you.

4. Notice pleasure more

Engage in experiencing pleasure so often it becomes your norm–how delicious a cup of coffee smells, how beautiful a cloud formation looks, how good it feels to light a candle and turn on your favorite music when you have to get something done. And make more decisions based on pleasure! What would taste and feel better: a warm stew or a refreshing salad? What would feel better in your body: a sweaty dance workout or a gentle yoga flow? What would you genuinely enjoy more: your regular morning routine or allowing yourself to sleep in and watch your favorite show while getting ready for the day? Pleasure is demonized so much, but in reality, it’s one of the most important signs to identify what is good for us.

5. Be intentional in all your relationships

When I lived in France, I learned that the French don’t do small talk. They just don’t. It’s considered rude if you bring up something like the weather because it shows you’re bored and uninterested. Instead, it’s the norm to discuss political beliefs, religions, controversial topics, etc. Disagreeing is not problematic or rude; it’s seen as interesting and important for your own growth. I live by this philosophy, and try to never shy away from disagreement or controversial topics in lieu of something “nice,” and harmless, I think the idea to keep conversations polite and surface level breeds generations who don’t know how to listen to others, expand their perspectives, or express their feelings. It doesn’t have to be politics or religion, but lead with the way you feel when you’re talking with friends and family. Share topics that are important to you, explain how you felt about the work project instead of just explaining the work project, and get comfortable with both listening to/supporting and sharing about emotions.